god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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