I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm like, not good at living.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
