After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
