I want to walk on stilts...naked
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
