Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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