and you said cock pushups were impossible
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
