i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
