Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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