I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
