I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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