I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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