I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
