She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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