Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
