im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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