Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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