I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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