Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
