I'd wear matching sweaters with you
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
