the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
