i wish there were pregnant emoticons
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
