I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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