i just wanna soil my oats bro
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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