i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
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