I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
