She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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