don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
