May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
