JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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