Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
