I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
