I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
