Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
