I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
