I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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