Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
