Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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