Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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