I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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