is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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