I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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