you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
