You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
