When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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