Someone shit on the floor
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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