u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
