is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
