Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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