I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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