so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
